Selected Poetry copyright 1990-2012 by Candace J. Dixon my incomplete works Irreversibly Lonely The best days of my wandering life Are gone, gone far away behind me Not a friend, a lover or a wife I am irreversibly lonely The journey, the adventure for some Lasts a day, a whole lifetime, or more. The path for me, this poor wretched bum Has lasted just a mere thirty four. Did I use up every karma point? My zero balance creates a field Repelling all from my condemned joint. Grimace poison symbol marks my Shield. I wish this was simply a long streak A run of simple garden bad luck, And that I was not really a freak Stuck in my boggy state of mind's muck. I must accept my fate to find peace. My footsteps in the sand remain unseen. Truth be told, Life can be a harsh lease. From my previous dreams, I will wean. The best days of my wandering life Are gone, gone far away behind me. Not a friend, a lover or a wife, I am irreversibly lonely. February 2007 Cut Me Crazy You never cared just how much you meant to me. Thoughtless words strangled a love that could have been. Take your scissors and cut me, cut me crazy, Just destroy me, don�t contact my next of kin. You convinced yourself we were not meant to be - Never mind our souls answered to the same name. Take your scissors and cut me, cut me crazy; Have you done enough to make me feel the shame? You insisted that you had to be set free To find yourself, your passion, the girl next door. Take your scissors and cut me, cut me crazy. I had to hear �I don�t love you anymore�� I wonder why that would make me sad, selfish me! You made fun of my tears, and you called me names. Take your scissors and cut me, cut me crazy. I was facing my worst fears, not playing games! Just how intrinsically worth it was she That she got all her chances and then mine too. Take your scissors and cut me, cut me crazy. That girl stole you from me before I met you! I was never worth a poem, only she. I�m not worth anything to you anymore. Take your scissors and cut me, cut me crazy, Kick me in the heart just a little bit more. I was never worth a flower, only she. You could barely stand to hold me in your arms. Take your scissors and cut me, cut me crazy. I sadly don�t possess those exotic charms. Deny it, deny it, put the blame on me, Whatever will make it easier on you. Take your scissors and cut me, cut me crazy. I was the one hanging on and staying true. Your friends, they hate me, call me toxic, mock me - Put them in my place, see how long they would last. Take your scissors and cut me, cut me crazy. My part was cancelled, killed off from your life�s cast. On one thing I guess that we can all agree - I must deserve to be ripped apart for good. Take your scissors and cut me, cut me crazy. When you said you loved me, I misunderstood -- A stranger floats by, suddenly there�s no �we�E? Rapidly it�s poems and dreams of someone new. Take your scissors and cut me, cut me crazy. Yes, that really is the way it is for you. When your next love turns away, sips her coffee, Oh, how you�ll lament about her hair, her smile. Take your scissors and cut me, cut me crazy. I guess she�ll keep you distracted �Efor awhile. I hope you never fail, I hope you�re happy With the decision that you so firmly made. Take your scissors and cut me, cut me crazy As I ask myself why all that time I stayed?? You win, I lose, there is nothing left to be. I was never good enough to fill your void. Take your scissors and cut me, cut me crazy. Please, just finish off the life that you destroyed. May 2006 "untitled" 4/1/2006 There was a time when my voice soothed you We could keep a conversation strong, Maybe even, it might have moved you. Many a time we talked all night long. Now my voice is just like scratching chalk Down the blackboard in a boring class. It's just something for people to mock, Hidden on a shelf like a mismatched glass. I wish you could hear the words of hope That I still have inside to tell you I'd shower your soul like cleansing soap Again, talk you down from feeling blue! If you could open your mind again, The conversation could flow anew. I'd take you back to remember when, And again be the one who soothes you. All the times you made me laugh and smile Even over something so very small, I've always loved your ways and your style. In my eyes you are still ten feet tall. I miss the laughter and want it back It's still all there, just buried so deep. I crave your kiss like a midnight snack In a quilt of grief is where I sleep. My own lack of social grace came through Even though you did make me happy. For that, I have now sadly lost you, And all I say just comes out sappy. Times get hard and people make mistakes, Bad days, bad weeks, bad years we all see. But like the vastness of the Great lakes, You are still most important to me. Now true love is so painfully rare So are passion, good form and true grace. For you I would always still be there Outlines of what might have been I trace... ...The ink has spilled, turning my world black Painting pictures of bleak existence. For ruining things, I have a nack, I wish this time could be the past tense... ...And that we could be together now. I love you with all my heart and soul, I just need the time to show you how. Let me help us out of this dark hole! I've paid for my sins a thousand fold; Warm spring days beckon us to explore A world that could still give us sunshine If once more, you could open the door. Morning Coffee If I ever wake from this nightmare, If I wake to find that you still care... The first thing I will do Is tell you how I love you; Even before the morning coffee. If I ever wake from this nightmare, If I wake to find that you are still there... The next thing I will say Is please don't ever go away; Even before the morning coffee. If I ever wake from this nightmare, If I wake to find love that we still share, I'd forever be the best that I can be And maybe you would never leave me. Even before the morning coffee. You mean the world to me, Even more than the morning coffee. March 2006 Spring Ironic as it may sound in proses It can be colder to see winter go When spring�s mockingly innocent roses Replace those deep blankets of drifting snow. Their thorns, they steal hearts for their own reason Burying their thorny claws in so deep Wanting all beauty for their own season Making the skies live longer as they weep. Some simply go on and call it spring rain, But to those of us who are in so deep We know it is the roses�Eselfish gain Forcing us to let winter�s beauty go. Give me the snow any day, without pause, If only I could still have my true love. I�d choose snow over roses�Edragon claws�E#060;br> They took my heart and slayed it with one shove. March 2006 unamed Such pretty scenery Alive with colors bright Saw you in the window Bartered with all my might Knew I had to have you I have the room to pack You up so tight, I will, I�ll never bring you back Put you in my shoebox And take you home with me, Wrap you in soft towels On my shelf you will be. Put you in my shoebox, With all the photographs Faces long since faded, Last New Year�s party laughs. Put you in my shoebox Keep you like a matchbook Strike you up when needed Replace the light you took Put you in my shoebox, Will I ever unpack? Keep your price tag on In case I bring you back. November 2005 "Storm" I call you storm for striking me With all your fierce intensity. Although one night you kept me warm, Now I'm shivering in your storm. Your lightning struck me more than once, Leaving me hot for many months. Your thunder rumbles in the night, Your dark clouds have absorbed my light. Your wind alone has the power To ruin me in an hour. In your drenching rain, drown I must In sheets of deepest, darkest lust. Your hail is always pounding me With words of how we'll never be. A storm brings absence of the sun, Causes the earth to come undone; I call you Storm for coming, then And destroying me once again. "Burning Dreams" As the grim pages of my life are writ, I�E�ve portrayed my bleak character and learned No matter how I try to change the script, In the final act I always get burned. The rude audience of my shattered dreams Haunts my tired soul each feverish night. The scene is never really as it seems, I am never plotted to win the fight. My heart is held captive by heavy chains That keep my love a prisoner inside; Only my acting is all that remains, The teardrops within me have all been cried. My shooting star crashed a lifetime ago, My wishes lie still in its backstage grave. If I had known then what I now do know, For another love I would never crave. Love is something like a roaring fire: Passionate when the feeling is returned; Alone on stage the flames arise higher, In the end the leading lady is burned. "Black Fate" My fate is black. Hands are missing; The clock still ticks, But why? Hopeless, Unstoppable Time; move, move, move Nights filled with pain; Sick haunted minds; Twisted pictures; Get lost, failure No way back and No way out, not Anything is Familiar. "Crazy" Crazy, now you're gone Crazy I walk on Crazy never find Crazy lost my mind Crazy what is hell Crazy time will tell Crazy miss your lies Crazy all love dies. "Crazy Gold" Crazy gold, Hard to hold, You can't cry. You will die Before old, Crazy gold. "Co-Dependency" He was anxious to get me home; I'm surprised his mouth didn't foam. He was ready for the acid, The last feeling hadn't lasted. He was already rather high, But still he felt he had to try To escape our world for awhile. As we drove that last lonely mile, Again he asked me for some cash, All so that he could buy his stash. He knew I would always say yes; It wasn't very hard to guess. I gave him money for a hit, Although I wished that he would quit. Only acid he desired; Of this love he never tired. He needed time to clear his head, To try to search for peace instead. He was dressed so well for that scene In a silk shirt and tie of green. I thought of him in his good shirt, And prayed that he would not get hurt. "Darkness And Light" Long ago in time and space, I laid eyes upon his face, And for a moment, felt no pain. Then later came the rain To last me all of my days, For he and I had parted ways. "Deferred Celebration" Thrown upwards All belongings Private treasures Hoped for pleasures Pelagic dreams Left to fall Patiently waiting For those happy birthday balloons to come down. "Definitions" Hope Defined Hunch Of Possibilities Endless. Kiss Defined Kind Intimate Sweet Shower. Love Defined Loyalty Oneness Virility Everlasting. Snow Defined Soft Noiseless Original Wonder. To Guide Defined To Open-mindedly Give Unconditional Intelligent Dependable Encouragement. Alone Defined Always Lonely One Never Embraced. Hate Defined Horrible And Tiresome Emotion Christmas Defined Cheery Heartfelt Reminder Instilling Such True Merriness And Selflessness. "Deaf Ears" There are no low enough chords To accompany the words That I always long to say. The sky is a dingy gray, Another bleak night is near; Its sad silver stars will hear The sound of my broken voice. After all, they have no choice, Unlike all the earthly ears That seem to fall deaf for years. They refuse to hear the pleas That reduce me to my knees, Causing me down to crumble. From my lips, few words will tumble, For they are so rarely heard. In the end, what is a word? What is making sense to me Might not sense to other be. "Blue Eyed Man" A man is out there, Living somewhere, Thinking some thought Of some battle he lost. He will pay the cost For all he has done. He is somebody's son. He walks alone With a heart of stone, Stuck in the dirt, Unable to hurt. He is strange, Unwilling to change, Hiding his pain, Yet bent from the strain. Hiding in shadows, His hatred still grows For the wasted years, The unshed tears. My child, how can they hear If you will not relate your fear To anyone who might decide to care? Will you ever take that dare? What is behind your eyes so blue? Nothing? Is that true? Dust and ashes, Deep running gashes To his spirit. Does he ever hear it- That voice in the wind? He has sinned On himself, not me. I may never be free From loving those eyes so blue. Although he knew, It did not matter. Nothing can shatter His eternal wall Or cause him to fall. My child, you are numb, You are not dumb. You must learn to feel, Ask for what is real. It can be relearned. Life can be turned. "Autumn Love" The full moon was shining In a sky filled with stars; The air was frosty cold, The earth was smooth and flat. I could see out for miles Into the still darkness. We spoke just a few words, But I knew even then My heart was melting fast; With a touch, the feeling Grew; I knew it was you That fall night; a fast car Drove to gentle places I knew from long ago. We spoke a few more words; The kiss did not come yet. In just another day, Even just an hour, I knew there was something That could not be denied. I did not. You still do; I long to see your eyes, Blue. "Autmn Love: Part II" A precious autumn love will last Only until its time has passed; Then suddenly it has to leave, Deserting me, alone to grieve. The fires burning in the night Warmed us as the crisp leaves took flight, Buoyed by winds that sang just for me; I was happy as I could be. The smell of autumn in the air Left me high and able to care. It made me feel I had a place Where I belonged in time and space; But seasons changed, and then one day Winter came and the skies were gray, Colored by shadows from the past. I should have known it would not last. "Back Porch" Sitting on the back porch, she cares; It's seen in lines across her face Drawn tight as she silently stares With hard eyes through the empty space Where he was at one time sitting On an evening this past June. It now seems to her most fitting To implore the watchful pale moon, Will he ever come back again To sit down in one of her chairs? She needs to know exactly when Because on the back porch, she cares. She flicks a long ash to the floor, Then takes a sip of her warm Coke. Before she goes in through the door, She takes a breath of soothing smoke. A car thunders fast up her street, The cigarettes are piling high. She wonders when again they'll meet, And turns her gaze toward the sky. "Addiction" I used to think that he was cool, But now I know he is just a fool. The drugs are ruining him; He calls me on a whim To see what he can get, Maybe money for a hit To get him through the night, Then he leaves my sight. Destroying himself bit by bit, He does not see the need to quit. The feelings never last; When the spell has passed, He feels all sick and tired, Another joint must be fired. He would steal it if he had the chance, He has no time for any romance. He hurts everyone in his path, He does not care about the aftermath, Only what he can feel that night. I try to put up a fight, But he refuses to hear. The friends he has are all the same, Everyone knows his game. Every night and every day This is his only way To make it through his life. He likes the music and the noise, He uses girls as toys To give him pleasure for awhile, You can see it in his smile. His body looks strong and tall, But his eyes are meek and dull From too much smoke, Toke after toke. The drugs he uses, The paths he chooses Are so damned wrong. He has been doing this far too long; He will be dead before his time, Lying in a puddle of slime. This is the way he has to live Because he has nothing inside to give. His mind is sore, Thinking has become a chore. They have ruined this man, They will kill him if they can. He turns the music up too loud, Sits there feeling proud. Some think that he is just insane, Only, I understand his pain. All he ever shows to me Is the kind of man he feels he must be. If just once he would listen to me, Open his eyes wide enough to see That he is not always right, Maybe I could help him with his plight. But he is too far gone now, This hollow man has forgotten how To live any other way. There is nothing left to say. Let him drown in his own drool, This man I used to think was cool. Maybe I am just getting old, But now I think he is only cold. "Puppeteer" I'm a puppet on your string; For you, I'll do anything. I know you will pull me down, Change my smile into a frown. You've set my world on fire, Made my tongue speak desire. I am spellbound by your lies, It is for you my soul cries. I'm in suspense without you; Loving me, you'll never do. Part of me, I'll never find, Part of you lives in my mind. My half will never be whole, Black will always be my soul, Crying agony for you, Puppeteer, you know it's true. "Answers From A Soulmate" There's always truth trapped inside the lies; There's a restless soul behind these eyes. My smile might have a little meaning, To think from that habit I'm weaning. I listen, I cry, I hurt, I strive To find feelings that keep me alive. I wish I knew who loves me today; My worth has no measurements to say. It took a lifetime to build this wall; Only a lifeline could make it fall. Being alone is what I most fear, Words from the heart are the ones I would hear. It would take ten suns to melt my heart; A thousand times I've fallen apart. Yesterday is better left to sin, I never found my way to begin. I always regret the things I've done; I wish that I was the only one. "Drifter" No matter how much I willed, The spaces would not be filled; Emptiness surrounded me, A cold and passionless sea. My soul was eaten away By you who would never stay. You would find your way inside, Then pull away with the tide. Waves of sadness washed my heart; From calm winds the storms would start. Lulling breezes turned to gales, Tearing off my fragile sails. I strayed away from my course, Sailed on a path of remorse To an island uncharted, Where I sat brokenhearted. Dreams came crashing all around, Fell in waters where they drowned. Treading was all I could do To survive in worlds of blue; But when all went asunder, Again I was forced under. I looked to the distant land, Saw those lying on the sand Soaking up all my sunshine; And when I searched for a sign Of what on earth I should do, My thoughts again turned to you. I saw you there on the shore, Madly I swam back for more; But by the time I got there, I was living a nightmare. You were nowhere to be found When again I felt the ground Slipping from underneath me As I drifted back to sea. "I Don't Believe in Dreams Anymore" I am tired of chasing shadows, Holding on to love that never grows. My dreams have always turned to dust, There is no one left who I can trust. Nothing good will ever last, I am always haunted by the past. My name has only been mocked, All of my lovers have walked. Even closest friends have turned their backs, I am sick of suffering through endless attacks. People only want to use me, A loved one, I will never be. No one ever cares, No one ever dares To get to know what is inside. Many times have I tried, Too many times have I cried Over dreams that fell apart. I have held my aching heart, Walked over burning sand, To try to find an answer. He said, I just don't need her. I saw it in his eyes, Another one in a chain of good-byes. I have lost too much For a meaningless touch; But I have finally learned my lesson. I have finally finished guessing About when he will return. From him I did learn That rainbows are only reactions to rain, And chasing them is done in vain. They fade before I reach the end, As surely as a lover or a friend. Love can only drive me insane, It is just not worth the pain. Since the last time I walked out his door, I don't believe in dreams anymore. "Because" I am but an old joke Put to death by laughter; Pleasure it did provoke, Forgotten soon after. I am still a shadow Lurking in his mind, Only he does not know Because his heart is blind. I was a soft voice That whispered in his ear, Silenced by his own choice Those words he refused to hear. I was another guest Of his who stayed too long, Forever put to rest By he who does no wrong. I ignored what he told, Bounced my breast on his heart; He left me in the cold After he ripped my world apart. Now the truth is clear: He is not who I thought he was. He is my worst fear In what he says and what he does. I no longer exist, To him, I am no one. The pounding of his fist Revealed that it was done. I will not pretend; To him, I never really was. Why did it have to end? The answer is, because. "Destiny" The molecules that we call life Dissolve into nothing but dust; Be it by ill, by will, by knife, There comes a day when die we must. Our lives are under the power Of a force far greater than we; Human, beast and even flower Are all controlled by destiny. We think we make a decision, But it has been made long before; Before the womb's first incision, Destiny knows what is in store. All that is wrong is meant to be, All that is right is intended, Planned all along by destiny; Choices are only pretended. "Alone As Before" There we were in the pouring rain, Standing in a circle of light. I knew you could comfort my pain If you would dare to hold me tight; But you did not stay very long, You left me wanting so much more; You turned away, said I was wrong, I was left alone as before. I wanted to hold on to you When it all was slipping away; Instead my panic only grew As the night crawled toward the day. I would feel safe and protected, Finally safe from any harms In fantasies I erected Where I'm lying safe in your arms, But that is not reality. You will never be mine to hold, And you will never care for me; Perhaps I should not be so bold In telling you how I feel, Because I know it is not right: I would like one moment to steal In which I could just hold you, tight. Moments like that are hard to find, And maybe I am just too weak, But why must life be so unkind When just one hug is all I seek? Why does this old feeling inside Seem like it's forever to stay Even after how long I've tried And still failed in your arms to lay? And now I wish the rain would pour To wash this old heartache away, Leaving me alone as before, Alone with nothing more to say. "Always Maybe" I wish that I knew, where am I? I don't know if I like this place. Did you finally say good-bye; May I again invade your space? I think that I truly miss you, Though you give me only sorrow, Nor do you ever leave a clue To what may lurk in tomorrow. Sometimes I think I want to know, But then again, maybe I don't; Maybe your love will someday grow, But then again, maybe it won't. I think I'm crazy over you, Although I could be mistaken; But if what I guess is not true, Then why do I feel so shaken? The hour is now growing late, Yet still some light lingers outside; I wonder, maybe if I wait, Will you come take me for a ride? I want you to call me baby; You know that I'll always love you. All you ever say is maybe; Will you feel the way that I do? I think that I am used to this, I suppose by now I should be. It's only you I want to kiss, That is the only certainty. "Dance Away" Dance little dreamer, dance Across the velvet sky. Leave it all up to chance; Far away must you fly. Dance little dreamer, dance, Leap on a shooting star. Never here backward glance, And you will travel far. Dance little dreamer, dance Beside the pearly beam. The moon you will enhance As you soar to your dream. Dance little dreamer, dance, Live out your fairy tale. If boldly do you prance, Then never will you fail. Dance little dreamer, dance Far, far away from here. Put the world in a trance, And never will you fear. Dance little dreamer, dance Toward the golden dawn. Victory is your stance As proudly we look on. Dance little dreamer, dance, Now is your time to leave. As long as you still dance, Success you will achieve. "And September Did Come Around" September has come around And he is nowhere to be found. The first was crisp and clear With no scorching heat to fear, Only gently blowing breezes As late summer teases And dances into autumn's arms, Enchanted by its charms. The sky was blue sapphire, The cool air smelled of fire Burning after twilight And glowing in the night. This scent should be bottled and sold Before these days become gray and cold. Breathing in this divine air, I turned skyward to stare At the off-white September moon, And I heard a faraway tune Playing softly in my mind. I wished that I could find The man who I still love; I searched the stars above, But he was nowhere in the darkness. I felt the night's deep caress As I traveled down the road, Remembering the times it had snowed And he held me in his arms, Protecting me from earthly harms. Seasons have changed and time still flies As surely as an autumn fire dies, But I feel that I can take it all Because I once loved a man so tall With curls as black as September night And a smile that could make a left turn right. His mellow voice I carry in my heart, His sad green eyes tore me all apart. I have loved him always, And I will love him all of my days. When I try to let the feelings go, Over the misty hills they blow And come sailing back to me, Whispering of what is never to be. Why must we always lose touch When hope is my only crutch To keep me standing still: I never did get my fill. Friends have come and lovers have gone, But I never loved as I loved Shawn. Now the magic spell remains unbroken, A thousand words are left unspoken. There is nothing I would not do For just a single touch To lift me to the stars Where hatred never mars Love that is pure and true: September, the skies should always be this blue! We may now be strangers but still I will love him if no one else will. If we were friends for but a day Then I have reason to feel this way. If we will be friends for a second more Then that is what I will live for. If we will be friends again never, Then part of me will mourn forever. If ever again we do meet, Be it in the park or on the street, I wonder if he will recognize The love still burning in my eyes? September, September, Yes, I will always remember. "Advice To A Friend" Always remember where you came from. When someone gives to you, return some. Think of struggles you have bravely faced Instead of the lost dreams you have chased. Whenever something hurts you today, Know that pain will always fade away. Reflect on all that you have achieved Instead of what you have not received. Search only for feelings that can last. Leave your mistakes behind in the past. As you travel throughout the years, Listen for sounds that no one else hears. Break the addictions that keep you back. Hold yourself when you want to attack. Recognize and treasure your true friends. With enemies try to make amends. Respect the fact that you do exist. Do not dwell long on what you have missed. Avoid whatever brings to you pain. Take time to dance and breathe in the rain. Always try to keep your dreams alive. It is hope that will help you survive. Life has so much good ready to give; Certain memories will always live: A word, a touch, a laugh, a bright smile. Happiness will one day stay awhile. If you remember all I have said, There will then be better days ahead. "The Absent Kiss" When something small hurt me tonight, I almost lost my will to fight. I felt a pain inside my eye; I broke down and began to cry. I cried awhile about the past, For those friendships that did not last. I cried for who I dearly miss, And I cried for the absent kiss. I cried for all that I believed Even after I was deceived; I cried for strangers, my lovers, Then I slipped beneath the covers. I cried for who I dearly miss, And I cried for the absent kiss. Before too long the pain was gone, Soon after my crying was done. I never cry for very long, For I know that I must be strong; But those few times when cry I do, I find that it is over you. I cry for who I dearly miss, And I cry for the absent kiss. "Soulmate" Surrounded by utter darkness We stood in illumination, The sparks of our souls I confess Bonding in deep rumination. The sunken sun was incited To rise with splendor in the night When our twin souls were united, Strong enough, all fears we could fight. We could calm the thunderous storms That bred inexorable ghosts, The ones who assumed shapeless forms And to our terrors played the hosts. I saw an eerie reflection of myself painted in his eyes For we shared the same collection Of laughter, tears, and weary sighs. He was wise beyond earthly years, Knew the power a touch could hold; Our souls might well have been mirrors, Both fought the torture of the cold. My weighty wraith was then revived, Its eager heart quickly beating; These lonely years it had survived To know this one precious meeting. I wrapped my arms around his own Set to bask in his desire; Instead I found myself alone Burning in rejection's fire. His gaze rested over my head, His soul passed swiftly right through me; I tried to trail but fell instead, Tripping on what refused to be. I saw that my heart was misplaced And knew my soulmate would not stay; From the skies the raindrops then raced, Slowly chasing the sun away. When finally he disappeared, My world again was dark and cold, And as I had always most feared, No soul remained for mine to hold. "Dime Store Vision" Maybe the motive behind my stare was all wrong Or a sideways glance lingered a moment too long. My mind was stuck in slow motion instant replay Featuring the slide of me kissing you each day. I would sneak into the theater of my mind Where I would step softly and hold you from behind; You were a dream of candles and roses and blue, But to you, my feelings reeked of mere tabloid news. Now I can see that my longings were misguided; Sternly, this to me reality confided: The eyes that claim to feast on a perfect mirage Have vision just as cheap as a dime-store corsage. If I am that flower that lacks glamour and grace, You are the manager of its five-and-dime space. "Dancing On Ice" I'm feeling no worry no fear It sure is cold inside of here in the recesses of my mind I've taken this time to unwind I see frightened people running and that smiling chair looks stunning but it's too far out of my reach (Long ago, someone tried to teach me to love and cry and to care but it's all come down to this chair) If I could sit in it and smoke (and maybe even have a toke) but it just seems so far away and my song is about to play Something's come over me tonight For the moment, I don't feel right I long so much to shed a tear When I look into the mirror I see me a giant flower Maybe in another hour I just might reach that smiling chair then I'll run my hands through my hair (but what if all my hair is gone then how will I put it back on) and where are the pills that I took hey where should I begin to look Is that man in the corner real (Is the smiling chair even real) No one can hear to answer me and I'm just too tired to see the reason for what's going wrong My body seems to be too long How did I grow so old so fast and how long will this feeling last I must have slept an hour or more unable to move on the floor and when I awaken again I think it must be close to ten The air is oppressive and dry I cannot breathe why can't I try Why's the lion out of his lair If I put it in a trance stare it might come floating toward me across the raging surging sea of emotions trapped in this room conversing with the voice of doom I lay and I sweat and I moan deafened by ringing of a phone (sirens?!?!) I thought that I could touch ceilings if I substituted feelings and now I have to pay the price I feel like I'm dancing on ice Suddenly I'm too sick to stand My eyes are filled with so much sand Who is that screaming and crying Oh my God is someone dying I feel a pang, hear a whimper (body is becoming limper) In a single lapse of reason my heart has committed treason My mind is running all around I am fading without a sound I'm hearing Pink Floyd in my crib and dribbling beer down my bib Now I'm playing out in the street where all the children used to meet Later I'm walking in the park finally running through the dark My life flashes before my eyes and some of it is a surprise How did the moon get in the house Was it dragged in by that cat's mouse Why do my hands look hazy red WHY IS A SHEET OVER MY HEAD Why isn't the day beginning Why are all these angels singing way before it was ever time and someone threw a rotten lime smashed it hard against a window and now I think I want to go I'm leaving for a better place Someone else will soon fill my space Those who knew me show no sorrow Eternity is tomorrow "The Truth About The Moon" It does not laugh or weep or wink; This mass is unable to think. It does not dance in tune with the stars Or scheme behind our backs with Mars. It only hangs there in suspension Unaware of all the tension Its pseudo-spells cast over lovers in pain And the spurious werewolves it drives insane. This may shatter an illusion, Even lead to mass confusion Among the earth's most hopeless herds, But even they could not doubt these words: If the moon were in reality The phantom poets make it out to be, It would have long ago grown tired Of all the ballads its light has inspired. "A Friend's Warning On Love" If ever happens again Love rears its hideous head, I beg of you to right then Stab me and leave me for dead. If ever again I speak Of lust for some vengeful man, Remind me that I am weak; Tell me how the last one ran. If ever again I touch The skin of a mindless male, Whisper how it hurts so much When I try so hard and fail. If ever again I try To entice somebody new, Speak of how I always cry For love that is never true. If ever again I mourn, Lonely under my cover, You can say that you did warn Against having a lover. "Graduation" There won't be any farewell hugs, No toasting beer in icy mugs, Sharing a final cigarette, Recalling the day we first met. There won't be any farewell kiss, I am one you will never miss. There won't be any farewell word, Your mellow voice will not be heard Vibrating with easy laughter That could reach the highest rafter. On this light-hearted starry night, You will not be here in my sight. There won't be any farewell tears, No tokens from the last few years; Our friendship has faded away, It hurts me more than I can say. I'd like you to read this last rhyme, Melt right into you one last time. All the love I gave was in vain, Now all I see is endless rain. There won't be any farewell tune, The time to leave is nearing soon; You're colder than you've ever been, Acting as though my love's a sin. I know you from times long ago, Way back when our love could still grow, In times when nights were for dreaming And hopeless tears were not streaming, Flowing in rivers down my face. Reluctantly I'll leave this place With no longer even a trace Of someone like you in my life. Now, it cuts me like a knife, But I do know that loving you Was all that I could choose to do. You were a shiny piece of gold That I knew I just had to hold If only for a brief moment, And if you have ever known it, Then you'll always remember this, Although we part without a kiss. "The Last Day" dedicated to my long ago friend Shawn On a cool wet morning Just after pale sunrise, He stretches out his arms And opens his sad eyes. Stumbling out of bed, He draws a long cool bath; He has more on his mind Than today's first class, math. His thin face is rugged, His chin is unshaven. He needs to get away; There is no safe haven. Walking slowly outside, With spring rain pouring down, The soft smile from his soul Is shaped just like a frown. His hands in his pockets, He hangs his curly head; For a fleeting moment He wishes he were dead. Later he lies alone, Pulls his gun to his side, And while closing his eyes, Prays for a place to a hide. "My Best Friend" dedicated to Donna My best friend is always there To keep me safe from all harm; I hope she will always care, For she is my lucky charm. I love my best friend the most Of anyone I know; To her I propose a toast, May the good times always flow. We've been through everything, Our friendship is still alive; To our twenty four years I sing, I've known her since I was five. Childhood memories remain Of little scrapes on our knees, Holding dollies in the rain While swinging into the trees. Though our toys are packed away, Our memories I hold dear; They mean more than I can say, For they chase away my fear. Many secrets have we shared, Countless dreams we've talked about; I always knew that she cared, Believed in me with no doubt. We've heard, seen and done it all, We've watched our dreams fall apart; But she never lets me fall, Many times she's sewn my heart. Now that women we've become, This promise I still will make: As long as the songbirds hum, Our friendship, nothing will break. "The Ocean" Will the Ocean's ripples rinse away These longing feelings I have today? Will its swelling surges quickly drown Haunting memories of this old town? Or will the wild waters wash ashore Feelings that are even stronger more, Memories of all the days gone by, Whispering the ancient question, "Why?" The ocean is calling out to me; It is promising to set me free By swallowing my own salty tears And delivering all of my fears Into waves of glorious freedom, Taking me to another kingdom Where all dreams become reality, Where common law is morality, Where the truth is shouted from the skies, And where hate is all that ever dies. Oh sweet, saving, whispering Ocean, I give you my utter devotion, For you are my solitary friend, A body of warmth never to end. And so I wait in hopeful wonder To hear the Ocean's welcome thunder, To breathe its salty reviving air, And perhaps to touch it if I dare. I bring only my empty being, For my eyes will now soon be seeing The birth of my soul, shiny and new In Ocean waters, restless and blue. "Silence" It pounds, it shrieks, and it roars; Vibrating through my ears, A paraphrase of the wars Waged over these countless years. It stalks, it lurks, and it haunts, A wanted madman at large; It steps, it snorts, and it taunts, A wild bull about to charge. It moans, it wails, and it screams, Keeping solitude away, A row of reflective dreams That will never know the day. It begs, it weeps, and it cries, Pleading for a distraction, A jilted lover who tries To demand some reaction. It lives without a reason, A blind man without a cane; Laments as each new season Deluges the earth with rain. It shouts, it screams, and it sings, This performer never tires; A horrible show it brings: The ballet of live wires. One time I wished for silence, Now I pray for its demise; But its profound violence Lingers on behind my eyes. "Sweet Misery" Misery, sweet misery, Dwelling always in my mind; Only this sweet misery In the world is all I find. Misery, sweet misery, It's the ruler of my life; Only this sweet misery Cuts me like a butter knife. Misery, sweet misery, It is always teasing me; Only this sweet misery Is all that will ever be. Misery, sweet misery, Colder than the devil's heart; Only this sweet misery Tears me completely apart. Misery, sweet misery, Swelling always in my soul; Only this sweet misery Can make me completely whole. "Tears" A tear is a drop of emotion, A sad bittersweet sort of potion. A tear can salute a memory, Or curse what is never meant to be. A tear masquerading as prim pride Forever cannot attempt to hide; Although obstinate smiles may be worn, Tears must eventually be born. Even when the face looks calm and dry, Peer far into the depths of an eye; One unexpected blink may then reveal All the pain that you could ever feel. "The Truth About Rainbows" I am tired of chasing shadows; Each mindless murky mold only goes Screaming soundlessly into the dust, Buried in the ground it used to trust. When someone along the earth has walked, By his shadow he was always stalked Until he finds a place to belong; Within the walls the shadow will long For a reunion with its master, But light traps it inside the plaster. Nothing borrowed from matter can last; They become whispers of what has passed; Clouds sailing above about to storm, A hurrying soul in human form. Once they are gone shadows disappear, Cut loose by who they tried to mirror. Saddest are the shadows of the sun, Reflections of what the rain has done. Grander than the orb they imitate, They are taken as a sign of Fate, But only water and sun are real. A colored ghost cannot for long steal Glory from selfish reality; Short-lived specters they are doomed to be. Rainbows are just reactions to rain, Chasing them is done only in vain; They will fade before you reach the end As swiftly as a lover or friend. "A Valentine's Poem" I need to find someone To take away the pain, Someone who will not run, Leaving me in the rain. I need someone to care, Carry me in their heart. I have learned to beware Things end before they start. Now so much time has passed, I know that this is true. We never seemed to last, Although I did love you. I gave up long ago, Fell out of love with you; But now and then, you know I think of who I knew. If I never see you Or talk to you again, I will not be as blue As I was way back then. I might shed one tear, two Before we say good-bye, But I am over you. Then again, I do lie. "Whiskey Colored Eyes" His whiskey colored eyes Have told me many lies. They've never been surprised, Nor can they be disguised. I've seen them filled with pain, And dancing in the rain. I've seen them look at me; I wonder what they see? I've seen them dazed and dull, They've made me feel so small. I've seen them bright and high, I've seen them want to die. They've looked at me with lust, In them I've seen disgust. Those eyes are haunted, wild, Sometimes eyes of a child. Those eyes will never see Visions of love for me. Those eyes will open, then Soon shut me out again. Those whiskey colored eyes, Reflecting sad good-byes, I'll never take them home; They'll always choose to roam. "The Wish" If I was granted any wish, Then I would ask for just one kiss. I would not ask for fancy car, I would not seek to travel far. If offered vast fortune or fame, My wish would still remain the same. I would not ask for beauty, men, Nor would I ask for youth again. Even if I could change my name, My wish would still remain the same. I would not ask for diamonds, rings, No sort of material things. Even if I could win the game, My wish would still remain the same. I would not want revenge, power, Nor to own the Eiffel tower. I would not ask for more self-worth, I would not try to change the earth. I know it sounds a little lame, But still my wish remains the same. If I was granted any wish, Then I would beg for just one kiss. "Something Must Have Happened To Me Sometime" My interesting little history Is certainly not a grand mystery To all those who seem to know me so well. Everyone has a tale they will tell, A story of me in this or that place, Each with me wearing a different face. I admit I find it hard not to care; People claim to know me everywhere! Sometimes I wonder why I ever try To separate the truth within the lie When people believe whatever they choose; Just when I think I am winning, I lose. Why was I never meant to be the best? I was never told that life is a test: I must have turned the channel past that show. I must have sunk that boat, forgot to row; I must have called the wrong side of a dime; Something must have happened to me sometime. "To Donna" For such a long time I've known you Underneath skies of gray and blue; When everyone fades away, You are one who will always stay. Memories lose meaning, it's true; I'll never forget those with you. After growing up together, From baby lace to black leather, Sharing what we thought, knew, and wore, I believe that you know me more Than anyone else ever could. In a place where nothing once stood, You fill that space with caring ways To help me survive lonely days. In times when I drown in sorrow, Unwilling to face tomorrow, You are always still there for me, And I hope you will always be. Through all that we've had to endure, Our friendship still remains secure. I count my blessings each long night That I have you to make it right. When my hopes don't seem to matter And dreams always seem to shatter, I can just turn to you and know For love, I have not far to go. I thank you for being my friend; I'll be here for you 'til the end. "Words" Mere words can only express Simple guarded sympathy, But only one strong caress Can destroy all apathy. "Hope" Hope is just a four letter word That I shout when silence is heard And nothing is all I can see. I hope he will return to me, The last of many who I've lost; Sometimes I've paid the highest cost To keep some hope alive inside: For a few hopeful thoughts I've lied To myself, and then to others. It is hope that always smothers The tendency I have to die; It's hope that always makes me try To find a way to bring him back Even after the worst attack On my weary yet restless soul. It is hope that fixes my goal, It's hope that keeps my dreams alive; It's hope that helps me to survive. Hope drive me shamelessly insane, Then tightly I caress my pain, For without it I'd be alone! I listen to the cold wind groan, Praying to soon be shown the way To times when he will always stay. Now I lie alone on my bed, Not with hope, but with pain instead. Always pain or hope, hope or pain, Both are battles long fought in vain. "Hope!" I cry as time marches on. "Hope!" I moan, though all hope is gone. "Gift of the Night" All that glitters is not gold; After all has been done and told And you are walking outside you will find That sometimes nature can be unkind. Stars that sparkle in the night Have a habit of fading in the light Until they turn in to almost nothing, Melted by the heat the day will bring. You will then be left to wonder If the night was only an illusion; Your world will rumble with thunder And the rain will bring confusion. Priceless memories left to you Will become worthless when stolen and broken By your welcome night robber who flew, Leaving you behind a single token: A dull gem of pain for you to wear, Adorned with two dull eyes that stare! Don�t even try to lose it, you have no chance, To wear it is your inheritance. Love will twist your heart Into a shapeless form; Then the pain will start, It�s waiting past the eye of the storm. "Lost" I�m a whisper of a girl, Walking among the lost souls, Stumbling over dead dreams, Always lost, or so it seems. I cannot find my way back Because I was never there. "The Final Act" The final act has ended, Never to be amended. The roses now are rollin�E By you the show was stolen. The audience has been won By performing you have done. Quite an actor, yes you are, You know how to be a star. You knew I�d say my lines wrong; It was you who wrote our song. All knew the ending but me; I�m a fool for all to see.